As my first post under my new category “The land of moms” I talk about a topic some of us seems to never escape. The mommy wars. A term thrown around to show how different camps of moms fight about their differences instead of learning to understand them. I find these wars are most often started by extreme groups who attack and often verbally abuse other groups for doing things in a different way. My first thought when I think of this is why so many of us believe we have come so far yet we continue to engage in behavior and hurtful communication that has fueled many oppressive movements. The facts are we all do really have the right to express our differences but I question the point of harshly critiquing our fellow mothers . It actually fails to make a point. It only shows individuals as insecure on their own position.
The inspiration to write this came on the heels of the most recent “debate” on baby wearing I read. Terms like “crotch danglers” and “irresponsible” and “uneducated” were thrown around to assert the inward only carrying camps position of superiority. It was simply put : Sad.
I will be the first to support the baby wearing community but I will then take that a step further to support individual mothers choices and give them respect, support and trust to do whats right for their family. I will also not ridicule them when they make mistakes or back track . I have done this in the past and realize with age it only serves to breakdown communication. I will continue to challenge myself to be my own safe place for being honest about the challenges and failures I see in myself. This will create a safe place for other mothers in my world. Without this safe place mothers will isolate, become depressed and lose instead of gain confidence.
What I have learned about absolutes in mothering after working with over 20,000 new and expecting mothers.
1. Your only right until your own knowledge proves you wrong.
2. No one can argue with science until its disproven ( which it quite often is)
3. North American mothers have for the most part have not been groomed for motherhood. This creates a level of insecurity in parenting not seen in other cultures. We can choose to support one another and learn to be positive and encouraging and respect choices . Its a choice that starts with inward reflection and outward action.
4. Information is for sharing not for shoving. You want to be heard then learn to come from a compassionate place. This is not easy since we have been conditioned to react and control.
Things I have done to challenge myself around the above areas.
1.Check in with my emotional reaction to someones choices before “weighing in” . If it is a strong reaction it probably is loaded with a lot of your own personal anxieties.
2.Acknowledge your own biases as you recognize them – When sharing with women information about childbirth ( another heated debate ) I also talk about my own good and bad experiences that have skewed my opinions.
3. Redefined my community outside of my comfort zone. It is super easy to have a circle of moms that agree with everything I say. It a whole other ball game of personal accountability when I surround myself with wonderful women and choose to love them for where they are at.
xo
Andrea
Connection
Knowing its impossible to meet everyone’s expectations in life is very important. Accepting it and yourself in it is crucial . You sometimes have to step back and be present to yourself and be honest about you need. Solutions, not problems are the key!